The Internet is littered with writing consultants who are charging hundreds, if not thousands of dollars to read our scripts. And unlike Mr. Hague and Mr. Vogler, they don't have a track record of... 

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You know what? Let’s not pull punches. 

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This is me at a batting cage. I’m closer to playing center field for the Chicago White Sox than most consultants are to being writers, much less talented writers. In fact, I can hit a baseball left-handed better than some consultants can read or write.

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I’ve watched thousands of baseball games, but no one's hiring me to coach hitting, because I’ve never shown an aptitude for it on any respectable level. In fact, when I was 23, I was working at a batting cage. I briefly worked at Frozen Ropes on the Upper West Side, and I did provide hitting tips, but really, I was just a guy. I’ve never stood in a batter’s box and thrived; I’ve never stood in a batter’s box and failed. To be a coach, you don’t need to be a Hall of Famer -- or even a star -- but you do need to have played the game on some level beyond Little League. Many consultants rarely use Fade in or Final Draft. They’re comically bad writers, and that’s if they write at all.

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As a kid in 1987, I could tell that aging Mets catcher Gary Carter was late on the high fastball, popping them up because he couldn’t get on top of the ball. The Mets never offered me a job, however, as my knowledge of hitting was rather limited. Similarly, many consultants can look at a script and tell you what’s right or wrong with it, but only to a point. They’re not much better at giving notes than the folks I mentioned in my opening paragraph: the parent, teacher, student, or friend. While they do have more experience with reading scripts, they also lack vision. They don’t know how to turn a phrase, tell a joke, or construct a story worth sharing. And if they can’t work magic on their own pages, they can’t work magic on yours. 

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Granted, that’s not to say that there aren’t top-notch script readers who are just as talented as established writers. Often, their scripts didn’t get into the right hands, weren’t given a fair shake, or the stars didn’t line up. And you can tell which studio and production company readers are the real deal -- in terms of intelligence and integrity -- because they often frown upon readers charging an arm and a leg for their services. They’re vocal about this, and have been for years.

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Before you consider sending me your script, I want to share some advice that would've been lost in the “My Story” section. It was meant to appear near the end, after earning goodwill from the reader. However, I can’t expect people to get that far, so I’ve moved the advice to this “Notes” section.

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There were several factors that were instrumental in getting my breakthrough script on the map. I used to think it was about hard work and talent, and while it’s definitely about both of those things, any success I’ve enjoyed was a result of several intangibles. As mentioned, I’ve achieved nothing on my own.

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1) Try to be born into an upper middle-class family. For me, that was half the battle. I wasn’t born into a “wealthy” family, per se, or else writing a check to reclaim my script would be a no-brainer. But for all intents and purposes, I was born with tremendous advantages. Family money afforded me the free time to write, plus the opportunity to make connections.

 

In some ways, the arts are a rigged game. When you go to the most prestigious museums in New York, you’ll see Gaugin and Rembrandt, but you’ll also see Garbage and Refuse. Many artists are just rich kids who have time and money to burn. Their work is ambiguous, it’s not up to par, and sometimes, the emperor has no clothes:

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It’s disheartening to see the rich get richer, but just as with nepotism and cronyism, take comfort in the fact that if you can find the time and produce the work, you’ll be competing with mediocre talents. Sure, there are people who have talent and a head start, in film, television, and beyond. Theo Epstein won two World Series with the Boston Red Sox, then one with the Chicago Cubs. His father teaches Creative Writing at Boston University, and his grandfather and great-uncle won Oscars for writing “Casablanca.” David Benioff wrote The 25th Hour, then later adapted “Game of Thrones.” His father was the chairman of Goldman Sachs. People like Epstein and Benioff have the skills to match their pedigree, while others are quite average. So if you have talent, you’ll shine. Most Hollywood writers are beyond brilliant and wildly talented, and they stood out against Garbage and Refuse. If you have serious skills and a ferocious work ethic, people will recognize your gift.

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2) Try to be born a man. When I was 18, and working on my first screenplay, people thought it was cool. By contrast, my female friends traveling down the same road were met with discouragement or flat-out contempt. When you’re a woman, people often laugh at your ambitions -- particularly your artistic ambitions. Continuing with the museum theme, this is “Painting Bitten by Man” by the great Jasper Johns:

 

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This is hanging in the Museum of Modern Art. I'm not at all surprised that it’s called “Painting Bitten by Man,” because if it were called “Painting Bitten by Woman,” no one would hang this thing anywhere.

 

Even when society supports their goals and dreams, women are “mommy tracked.” Before that, they’re pressured to give up artistic or entrepreneurial pursuits in favor of something grounded. Before that, they’re dissuaded from couchsurfing in their 20’s and subsisting on Ramen noodles. If women do make it to Hollywood and are in a position to get hired, further challenges await them. There’s a reason why the first woman (of color) wasn’t hired on a late-night talk show until 2014. Some men feel they can’t be themselves with women around, which often entails the telling of offensive jokes or displays of offensive behavior. And while enlightened, evolved men in television writing rooms outnumber insecure, piggish men, it remains a challenge for women to stand on equal ground. Some men insist that women have an easier time getting hired, but there lies another problem. From what women (and men) tell me, one has to be the “right kind” of woman, in the same way that I’m the “right kind” of Indian guy. This isn’t to say that being a white male writer is a cakewalk, because it’s not.

Each journey is different. I’ve had it far easier than the majority of white male writers, but for women, the struggle is real.

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One of the saddest aspects of the restrictions placed upon girls and women is that they rarely get to tell their own stories. My “Duck” script attached Callie Khouri as its director at one point, and she compared the project to Kenneth Lonergan’s “You Can Count on Me.” It was so appreciated, as I paid homage to Lonergan by stealing an exchange from that very film. 

Years later, I wrote a script that focused its lens on two women. I believe it’s one of the better scripts I’ve ever read about two women. That’s quite the claim on my part, until you examine the statement. Of all the scripts I’ve read, how many were even about two women? Callie won an Oscar for writing “Thelma and Louise,” but as she once pointed out, how many scripts written by women get championed? Given the historical underrepresentation of women in film, the unfortunate, infuriating truth is that -- more often than not -- stories about women are told by men. It calls to the mind the fact that women get paid less than men for the same work. As men, we often fail to recognize that women rarely get the same work. Meanwhile, women themselves implicitly understand that they’re penned off from some of the better career paths. And if they do manage to get on the path, the opportunities available to them are less abundant. As an example, I was reading a longform article about the damage a bullet does after it enters the human body. What stood out to me was that the chair of Temple University’s Department of Surgery was one of only 16 women in the country to hold that position at a hospital. And there are a lot of hospitals around.

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In sum, the myriad advantages granted to me by familial standing were only superseded by the advantages granted to me by gender privilege. When combined, the two formed a potent cocktail on a path toward success, writing and the arts aside.

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3) Don’t be difficult. It doesn't matter how talented you are, how cool you are, or who you know. Life is too short -- and the business is too tough -- to work with difficult people. If you’re inclined to read the “My Story” section, you’ll eventually come across the following paragraph:

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“Well, in 2012, on a day when one of my two agents was let go from UTA, I was dropped, too. It was painful, though mitigated by the fact that I wasn’t writing, nor was I thrilled about Harvey Weinstein and the death of “Duck.” Plus, Barbara begged off in 2011 after I confessed to slow-dancing with CAA. Any way you look at it, in four years, I wrote only two pilots and one screenplay, which is not what I would call an acceptable output for one year, much less four. That said, UTA has been generous enough to consider two of my scripts on three occasions -- in 2013, 2015, and 2016.”

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Writers can be prickly pears -- we can even be difficult -- but there’s a line we shouldn’t cross. We can be combative, we can be unproductive, and we can even write poorly, but we can’t be difficult to the point where people don’t like us. I made very little money for Barbara [Dreyfus] in the grand scheme of things, but I was a nice person, so she was down to read my 2012 script, “Great White Men in Black History.” Again, UTA read the next script, and a third one after that.

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There’s one way to tell if you can make it as a writer: Throughout your life, people have wanted to spend time with your writing, and they’ve wanted to spend time with you. It’s not that simple, but in some ways, it kind of is. For my money, it’s not just about the writing, it’s about the writer. 

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Most writers were recommended by someone in light of their prodigious talents, but also because they weren’t difficult to work with. And since so many of us are Grade A, dyed-in-the wool nerds, we’ve had many opportunities to be difficult. The first boy to call me a Schedule I racial slur with consistency would sing “No niggers allowed” when I got on the bus in elementary school. I took it like a champ, internalizing the humiliation, and a rapier wit emerged as a defense mechanism. The boy who humiliated me became a Civil Rights Attorney for The Justice Department, so one can guess how some of the less fortunate kids had their fun. This was in the early 80’s, mind you.

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Though my hometown was (and still is) a great place to grow up, Soledad O’Brien has written about the struggles her family faced there. In the following interview, Ilana Glazer shared her thoughts on the matter. The Mercer family -- who finances Steven Bannon’s Breitbart -- has an enormous estate by the water (in a part of town I didn’t even know existed). Finally, one of the Nazis from Charlottesville -- Chris Cantwell, from this VICE documentary -- grew up just a few minutes from us. While our town is quite lovely, it’s not always welcoming for everyone. As such, I understand why artists can be difficult. We often create to heal our wounds, and for some, those wounds remain open. The ups-and-downs of this business can pick at those wounds, or even rub salt in them. Again, I’ve been difficult, too, so I won’t lecture anyone as if I can claim the moral high ground. Here I am after getting cross-outs on one of my scripts. Like, the best parts were literally crossed out.

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Netflix documentaries aside, you can’t be difficult to the point where people despise you. In every business, internships and jobs come by way of referral, and this holds true for film and television. Writers perpetually ask, “How do I get a manager? How do I get an agent?” Well, the surefire way is to write a great script. I realize, however, how frustrating it is to hear that. As discussed, agency doors opened for me, in part because I went to a costly private university. Given the relationships developed there, I was able to work at Barbie magazine, then at “SNL.”

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I also write about this in the “My Story” section. In high school, I had more friends than I knew what to do with, but once I got to college, I was simply “Neeraj Katyal,” or Indian boy #2,100. New York in 1995 was rather lonely in some respects, as there was no social media to facilitate friendships, and no quad to meet other kids. A volleyball player from high school asked me to join his sports fraternity, and seeing that I was being bullied a bit by a group of Indian kids (!), there was no way I was turning down a bunch of jocks who boasted the kind of diversity I coveted when choosing NYU in the first place. Once I crossed over, I learned how to coexist with people I wouldn’t usually mingle with, and vice versa. Again, in the long “My Story” section,” I explain this all over the course of 1,000 words, not because I’m keen on letting the world know I was involved in frat life, but because the aforementioned WME partner was in the fraternity, too. He saw me as an 18-year-old, and watched me mature through my 20’s before offering me agency representation at 30. Many writers believe talent alone will carry them through, and they grow understandably frustrated when marginal talents take off. But filmmaking is highly collaborative, and people want to spend time with fellow creatives who have agreeable dispositions. Heck, one of the most important figures in the “Law & Order” universe was in our fraternity, and for years, he's worked closely with Dick Wolf. We were all in the same frat, so maybe Mr. Wolf thought he could handle contrasting personalities. It would make sense, given that our friend oversees casting across several shows, and the drama that must surely entail.

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Now, if you’re in college, that doesn’t mean you should run out and join a fraternity. Please don’t. Yes, people of color in particular often turn to fraternities and sororities because they don’t have institutional connections, but other people of color -- along with white men and women -- have somehow survived without pledging. Okay, Julia Louis-Dreyfus was in a sorority at Northwestern, and as the heiress to a great fortune, she didn’t need the leg up. People adore Ms. Louis-Dreyfus, but don’t join a frat. I made a poor decision that turned out well for me, but I was 18 and foolish. If you have a minute, I’d love to tell you about the other terrible life choices I made as a teenager.

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When I speak to writers who’ve “made it,” many of them talk about wanting to kick themselves for worrying so much about whether or not they could’ve made it. They wasted too many years worrying and wondering, when all the signs were right in front of them. And it bears repeating: To make it as a writer, people have to want to spend time with your writing, and they have to want to spend time with you. When exploring a writer’s past, you'll find stories similar to mine. Their writing ability or their power of observation manifested itself early in life. Also, the people in their orbit either encouraged them or advocated for them -- both their talent and their person.

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4) Ask for help and offer help. Everything good in my life -- writing-wise -- is a direct result of either asking people for help, or asking to help them. I learned the latter from a great book written by Ted Hope. People in power are often asked for their help, but they’re rarely asked if they can be helped.

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Based on the lesson learned, I now try to seek help or advice from people who are older than me, but also from people who are younger than me. I ask 70-year-old’s for advice -- and to partner up -- as many of them worry that they’ll never enjoy further success. I also ask 20-year-old’s for advice, as many of them worry that they’ll never enjoy any success. When the partnerships form, I think about the fact that nothing would’ve materialized had I not taken a small chance in reaching out.

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I now subscribe to the idea that “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” That’s not to say that if you’re a single guy, for example, you should ask every girl in your path out on a date. Sure, the odds are in your favor that some will say yes, but don't do that. Instead, keep in mind the following advice Terry Rossio picked up from his message board. It comes from a man named Tom Scott:

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"The so-called gatekeepers don't want to help you. They want to see if you can help them. You have to be a train streaming down the tracks with room on board, instead of a stranger asking for a ride. No easy task, but that's why I trust it."

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Whenever writers or directors ask to co-write with me, they’re trains streaming down the track. When I asked to co-write with a writer who’d sold an action script last year, calls to a top agent were being made on my behalf by a studio-based producer. I would never ask someone to write with me unless I had something big brewing. So use your judgment, but fortune favors the bold. If you have something solid to share -- if you’re a train streaming down the tracks -- ask for help.

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With that said, someone who doesn’t respond to you or receive you warmly is not in the wrong. If someone you reach out to is unhelpful -- or even flat-out rude -- you have to respect the fact that they’re under no obligation to help you. Whenever I contact someone, I'm imposing on them, even when sending a short, friendly note. The good news is, I notice that the more successful a filmmaker is, the more likely they are to respond positively to my letter. Part of it is because I usually bring something to the table. Another part of it is that successful people are generous, and generous people are successful. If you’re a student who’s just graduating from film school and you have a short film to share, a lot of people will gladly give you 20 minutes of their time. Just don’t expect them to like it. That’s the trade-off. No one's ever obligated to like our work.

 

Also, save some bullets. I’m never shy about asking for a script read. If you’re a film person on any level, and I haven’t contacted you at some point, you should almost be offended. If you haven’t received a letter from me, well, it’s only because I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I’m kidding, but not really. Now, with respect to saving bullets, don’t write to everyone. Whenever I’ve sent out a script, it’s usually been -- unbeknownst to me -- slightly undercooked. Submitting a new draft was a non-starter, so the script was better, but I was fresh out of bullets.

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Work on your script a little longer. In the meantime, offer to help someone. It’ll make them feel good, their appreciative response will make you feel good, and your script will grow stronger.

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5) Keep writing. Some of the smartest people in the world want to be writers in Hollywood. Some of the most talented, fortunate, and successful people are working toward the dream. Athletes, models, Vanderbilts, and Kennedys -- even the elites would love to be filmmakers. Actually, some of them already are. James Vanderbilt and Rory Kennedy do fine work.

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Making it as a writer isn’t just about talent and persistence, it’s also about the wants and needs of industry gatekeepers. Who do they want to hang out with? A Vanderbilt or a Kennedy, or a Neeraj Katyal? Well, the good news is, the flashiest people in the world write the most atrocious scripts. Plus, some of the smartest bloggers, novelists, and journalists can’t tell a story nearly as well as you can, so if the gatekeepers can get their hands on a great script, they don’t care who you are.

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Still, you have to keep writing and you have to be patient. Your ability will improve as you age. Most aspirants quit in their 20’s and 30’s, because life gets in the way and rejection is hard. However, if you have undeniable talent and you keep writing, the seas may part for you. After all, I didn't add those baseball videos simply to illustrate a point about consultants and their questionable utility. This is a picture of me during my first year of Little League. This is a picture of me during the peak awfulness of my Indian-American experience.

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Right before this picture was taken, one of my teammates made a wisecrack about, well, Iran. You can see the anguish in my face, as it was the first time anyone used a country other than India to dehumanize me. (Sort of like in "Jurassic Park" when the velociraptors learned how to open doors.) I went 0 for 43 during that first and last season of Little League, and I was the only hitter in town with a batting average of .000. Worse, not only did I fail to get a hit all year long, I also struck out in each of my 43 at-bats. I never once made contact with the ball. And while the humiliation never left me, I kept going, and today, playing baseball brings me the kind of inner peace most people only get from yoga, meditation, or death metal. The key, however, was that I never stopped hitting. I know how maddening it is to hear this, but you have to keep writing.

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Beyond all that, here’s something that’s rarely, if ever, talked about. Even for writers with obvious, blinding talent, it’s incredibly hard to write a good script, much less a great script. 

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Look at musicians. On his 1987 album “Faith,” George Michael wrote and composed three hits: “Faith,” “Father Figure,” and “One More Try.” The other five songs on the album aren’t as good, and it wasn’t for lack of trying. I’m sure he wanted them all to be great. But the fact of the matter is, a musician like George Michael laid eggs more often than he spun gold, even when producing his best work. Now, when you’re writing a screenplay, you’re writing a symphony. I don’t care if it’s bad writing, it’s still a symphony. There are violins, snare drums, and cymbals; violas, trumpets, and tubas. I’ve written eight feature scripts -- eight symphonies -- and I’m only happy with three of them. So if you think I’m going to like your script, well, I probably won’t. And that’s to be expected, due to the enormous degree of difficulty. Continuing with the artwork and sports theme, here I am writing a screenplay:

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I also don’t like talking about “competition” or the idea of “competing,” because ultimately, you’re competing with yourself. Since it’s so hard to write a great script -- even for top writers -- you only need to compete with yourself. If you keep after it, and eventually write said great script, you’ll find that there is no competition. When my “Duck” screenplay was discovered, it didn’t matter that Johnny Producer may have owed a favor to some real estate developer in Malibu. That developer didn’t have a great script, so all his networking and elbow-rubbing proved useless.

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If you have the talent, don’t ever give up. But you have to keep writing, because we all lay eggs.

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Okay. Let’s get to the main event.

 

There are several reasons why writers should share their work with me. Here are five of them:

 

1) I put the .PDFs of my scripts online. There’s no reader or consultant who does that, and I’m pretty sure there’s no reader or consultant who will ever do that. Why? Because by putting our work out there to be judged, we open ourselves up to criticism, misinterpretation, and ridicule. I could easily say something like, “If you have the courage to show someone your scripts, they should have the courage to show you their scripts.” Makes sense. When you get a landscaping flyer in the mail, there are pictures of lawns for you to consider. If a top stylist wants to charge you $300 for a blowout, she’ll have a lookbook of cuts. So why won’t readers share their work?

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They shouldn’t share their work. It’s a suicide mission. Judging a script is both easy and hard, and even experienced evaluators can make mistakes. Readers don’t want assessments of their own scripts out there, as negative coverage can torpedo a potential project. Nothing good can come of it. (Edit: This has changed via a producer's advice. He said that I shouldn't share my work, but if you want to take a look, I'd be more than happy to share the scripts with you.)

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On the other hand...

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I started writing my first script just after turning 18, and finished writing my last script just before turning 38. I signed contracts on both, and almost every one in-between. During that time, I received such extraordinary feedback on my work that I have no qualms about sharing it. Still, I’m putting myself out there. I’m sharing my life -- my heart and my soul -- with the world.

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People will mock me for my miserable, failing battles with “Show vs. Tell.”

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They’ll criticize me as I struggle to fight the long war of “Text vs. Subtext.”

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As they should. It literally pains me to show five of the eight scripts to anyone, but in general, I have confidence in myself. Writing a screenplay is akin to performing a magic trick of sorts. The goal is to turn a hundred pieces of paper into a fluid, ever-changing blueprint, sure, but that blueprint doubles as valuable intellectual property. I think a script is a work of art. Okay, it may not be art in and of itself, but it's the special sauce that leads to a work of art. And if this is actual art in a prestigious museum, all bets are off: